Thursday, March 28, 2024

Creature of the Walking Dead, or La Marca del Muerto

Okay...a 1961 Mexican horror movie! "La Marca del Muerto."  Then Americans come along and start culturally appropriating everything. Hence a 1965 horror movie with American names in the cast called "Creature of the Walking Dead."  Yep...Jerry Warren commandeered this from Fernando Cortes.  What is Cortes going to do...fight the Johnson Administration and try to sue in the corrupt U.S. courts?! Fat chance!  So today we look at a creepy and atmospheric Mexican...I mean American horror film, "Creature of the Walking Dead." An undocumented classic.

Dr. Malthus (Fernando Casanova) is a mad scientist who believes he has come up with a serum to give himself everlasting life!  This always ends well, doesn't it? There's a catch.  He needs human blood and a donor.  Not being a fool, Malthus abducts nubile babes to be the donors.  He needs them often. Finally the cops arrest him and hang him.  A hundred years pass.  His descendant, the young Malthus inherits the old house.  Martin takes possession and immediately finds the old lab, the notes of the experiments, and skeletons of dead nubile babes who were used as donors by his ancestor.  Now Martin gets a bright idea... complete the experiments.  Uh oh...he also digs up the original Malthus' body.  Yep...the younger Malthus abducts a babe (Aurora Alvarado) and uses her blood.  Now Malthus comes back to life and regains his youth.

The old Malthus over powers the younger and locks him in one of his cages.  Next, he finds the fiancĂ©, Beth (Ann Wells) and sets a wedding date.  Uh oh...he cannot keep his youthful looks for long and must keep abducting nubile babes.  He again fills his cages in his dungeon with these cast-offs from Mexican soap operas.  Uh oh...he needs more and only Beth seems willing to come within 500 yards of him.  Now the nubile Beth is in danger.  Meanwhile, the young Malthus and the surviving but increasingly drained babes plan escape.  They better hurry.

Is there a chance the nubile Beth may actually prefer the older Malthus than her boring and inept fiancĂ©?  In today's America could either Malthus have illegally entered the U.S. and be given their own hospital and supply of babes by the Biden Administration? Why can't current TV networks culturally appropriate Mexican soap operas and give up on current TV shows and movies that seem to be allergic to beautiful women?  This is a fun one...so culturally appropriate away and enjoy "Creature of the Walking Dead." 

Tuesday, March 26, 2024

Forest Primeval, Indian Hallowed Ground and its Curses

Happens! You think you are minding your own business...instead, you trod on some old Indian burial ground.  Yep...big mistake.  Now, a centuries old curse is after you.  Soon, you lose your head.  How many hunks and babes have given their lives by doing just this?  Today we look at a Polonia Brothers film, 2008's "Forest Primeval," directed by John and Mark Polonia.  This one will boast of a really neat rubber monster standing eight feet tall with some nice teeth.

As our film begins, a hunter (Frank Humes) and his pretty wife (Maria Davis) are hunting on Skull Mountain.  Mistake.  Skull Mountain was the site where Indians used to decapitate white settlers who trespassed.  Now a centuries old monster is released as the land is trespassed on again.  The big red and toothy fiend swats both these peeps, decapitating them.  Uh oh...Camille (Cindy Wheeler) lives nearby and has visions of these murders.  Anytime the monster strikes, she sees it in these visions.  She is going crazy and no one believes she is sane.  Now she heads out to Skull Mountain to face her fears head on...this is not a good idea.  Also headed onto Skull Mountain is Lou (Kevin VanSant) and his buddy Reggie (David Fife).  The two are in an RV and Reggie will look for Indian gold with his metal detector.

The monster, now loosed, will be on a rampage.  It likes decapitating people and even wanders into a babe's home and swats her in a shower.  Camille is beside herself and determined to find it.  Many more will be decapitated or gutted.  The monster isn't the only fiend dredged up by old Indian curses.  Some corpse also joins the mayhem as it comes out of the grave.  Now everyone on Skull Mountain is dying horribly leaving Lou, Reggie, and Camille to either find out what is happening and how to stop it...or die trying.

Will Camille join either Reggie or Lou in the motor home for pre-marital sex?  Will the sequel to this film see a wealthy developer build a casino on this cursed Indian property?  Have either Lou or Reggie ever kissed a girl, or are they fated to attend Star Trek conventions every year?   Polonia Brothers Entertainment never fails to please, and this one is no exception.  The creature is wonderful and the deaths are so much fun.  For a terrific B movie experience, see "Forest Primeval."

Sunday, March 24, 2024

Arctic Hollow, Dark Horror

No...dark...like, literally dark.  So dark this is almost a radio drama.  Fear not!  Actually, that will be easy. All the scares happen when it is almost pitch black. Monsters!  A lot of monsters!  In the dark!  Imagine what they will look like.  Anyway, this may not be a horror film per se...but almost like a H.G. Wells or Jules Verne type story.  There is another world to be discovered, deep underneath the one we live in. Anyway, IMDB can take their 3.3/10 rating and put it where the sun doesn't shine.  That is where this film takes place.  I'll say it...I enjoyed this film.  Today we look at 2024's "Arctic Hollow," written and directed by Scott Lambson.

Minimalist Bruce (Lenny Uitto) slurps his coffee and breakfast. He lives in a cabin with no furniture. Alone with sordid memories of lost opportunities and other bad stuff he gets inspired during an Alaskan blizzard when he hears a distress call.  A pilot, Bruce wants to rescue a party of four who claim they are being hunted.  Bad news.  The blizzard rages and there is no way to fly into where they are.  Snow be damned, he flies in anyway.  The landing will be tough as it will be a crash landing.  See, Bruce knew the bloke who made the distress call.  Carlos (Ricardo Costa) is the colleague of Alison (Stacey Ann Turner). Bruce loves Alison.  Bruce and Alison sort of hit it off on an awkward date, but realistically, if it is not Alison, Bruce will probably not find another girl.

Uh oh...Carlos tells Bruce that Alison never came back.  The quartet went into an underground cave looking for a lost world.  Alison is obsessed with finding it as she believes her missing dad is there.  Monsters get Carlos and Taylor (Ethan Kartchner)...never mind Taylor...and now Bruce descends into the cave alone looking for Alison.  He'll find monsters.  Or monsters will find him.  They will hunt him and he will run. Yep, no surprise here, Alison shows up. Uh oh, the monsters collapse the entrances to the cave and Bruce and Alison can only go down...down...down.  But will there be anything all the way down, like an underground world? 

Will Bruce and Alison rekindle the magic of that first date and engage in pre-marital sex?  Will the monsters get them first?  Is there an underground world that waits for them?  All these questions will be answered.  If you love radio drama, this is the film for you.  If your brain is good at 'filling in the blanks,' this is the film for you.  See "Arctic Hollow," and wait to see the light.

Friday, March 22, 2024

Pterodactyl 2, They're back!

Those of you who figured "Pterodactyl" would be the magnum opus of Danielle Scott, spoke too soon.  Her portrayal as a sweet blonde turned brutal monster killer definitely moves ahead of the bird-horror film as her defining role. Like in many horror films, if a monster killer does not destroy the nest...the creatures come back for a sequel.  Look at the Biden Administration, several years after we got rid of Obama...eek!  Today we look at 2023's "Pterodactyl 2," directed by Ben J. Williams.  This one stars a bunch of hot babes and some very useless men.  Typical U.K.

The sultry Carrie (Kelly Rian Sanson) goes to a cabin in the woods, of course, with her mates.  Her BFF Ronnie (Zarima McDermott), also a babe, tries to fix her up with the ghoulish Tom (Rene Vrabel). He'll be eaten...not by Carrie, but by an onslaught of monster birds.  This is good news/bad news for Carrie. Now she won't have to deal with the creepy Tom, but the birds have eaten most of her friends. She will get away with a decent bloke, Ash (Gaston Alexander). The two swear to keep this episode secret as both figure no one will believe them.  Carrie reconnects with her retired army commando dad, Robert (Jase Rivers).  We meet Robert and understand why the British military is known as a joke the world over. He'll assemble commandos from his old unit...do you want to guess how this will go?

Ash and Carrie also visit Lynn (Scott).  The duo finds out that she survived a bird onslaught last year.  She did and now has devoted her life to finding the ones she didn't already murder and also finding the nest.  Lynn, Ash, and Carrie head back to the woods as Robert's troops get eaten.  The bird attacks seem endless, and commando babes get eaten as fast as the commando hunks.  Lynn has attitude.  She also is heavily armed.  As this trio arrives, they find Carrie's dad on the defensive as just like the British military, he had no idea what he was up against.  Now with the help of Lynn, a competent war will be waged.  Uh oh... surprises await...of course.

Is Robert and his commandos a metaphor for the incompetence of NATO as they try to fight Russia?  Are all men in the U.K. as useless as the blokes in this film? Will there be a "Pterodactyl" franchise that may see a half dozen more sequels?  The Pterodactyl Universe, shall we say!  See "Pterodactyl 2" and find out why the Royal Family has Princess Kate locked in a cage in a dungeon.   

Wednesday, March 20, 2024

Discopathe, Bloody Disco!

First there was Vinny Barbarino, thanks to John Travolta. Then Disco and "Saturday Night Fever," then disco died and we had Scientology and Tom Cruise. Wait!  Back up! Today we have a Euro-Trash type film, only this is is from French speaking Quebec (Montreal). Disco!  An all-girls boarding school in which the sultry students explore their sexuality with one another. A hot nun who is having a torrid affair with an equally as sultry teacher. A lot of lesbian scenes with babes...and all those babes will die horribly.  Bad taste!  Disgusting!  Crossing the line by a lot. Whatever Disco did to you in the 70s, it turns the antagonist in today's film into a serial sex killer. Today we look at 2013's "Discopathe," directed by Renaud Gauthier.

Warning...this one will shock you. It will show you scenes you will not be able to eject from your memory. Duane (Jeremie Earp) is a timid hunk hornswaggled by a stunning young woman, Valerie (Katherine Cleland). She'll make him dress in a disco outfit and take her to a trendy New York City discotheque. The music will get thumping and he will go to work on Valerie with a knife. He'll take her hand (from her arm), and abscond to the airport where he will fly to Montreal. Four years later he pops up at Sainte-Lucie College, an all girls boarding school. He's the A.V. guy. All the students are stunning, wear skirts that are a bit too short, and have lesbian exploratory sessions.  Sister Mirielle (Ingrid Falaise) is also stunning and having a torrid affair with the sexy teacher, Francine (Sandrine Bisson).  Every female mentioned in the above paragraph will meet a horrific and bloody fate.

Two babe students (Catherine Antaki and Sibylle Gauthier) will be making out to Disco music. The music sets our evil A.V. guy on a murderous rampage. He charges into the room and cuts the two babes up with broken records and absconds with their heads.  Uh oh...he also has Francine the teacher naked and tied up in his boiler room office.  He'll dance around with the two heads and taunt Francine with them. Then, Sister Mirielle will be lured down there and...well...you won't believe it. Enough.  Any more description of this film would be gratuitous.  Oh...the ending.  Unbelievable.  Even dead, the Catholic school babes are not safe from violation from the evil A.V. guy. You won't believe this film which probably earned an X rating.

Bloody. Disgusting! Without humor or wit!  Total depravity!  Hey...it is a horror film in the true sense of the word horror. Oh what this evil A.V. guy will do to nuns, high school girls, grieving parents, cops, etc.  Deviant and depraved...you have been warned.  You can watch this on Tubi and you will never have to tell anyone you saw it.  See "Discopathe," but not as a date night take.  

  

Monday, March 18, 2024

Screature of the Lagoon, Military Experiment Gone Wild

Where are Joel and the 'bots when you need them? Hey, I'm not saying today's feature is a bad movie. I loved it! Then again, I loved "Track of the Moon Beast." Okay, some apparent errors dot this plot.  I stress the word "apparent." Dead characters appearing in the next scene. Main characters getting killed...and coming back, over and over again. This one is infinitely better than "She-Hulk" or "Thor." Today we look at a film by Jake C. Young, 2021's "Screature of the Lagoon." Look at this one as a working man's "Predator."

Matt Logan (Young)!  He's buff!  He's a mercenary who can kill with his thumbs and track down any human or monster. He also looks great in a poncho. Government types find him and enlist him on a top secret mission in Canada. A government experiment went wrong and it escaped.  Now the failed experiment is a creature that kills. Matt will be matched up with three tough commandos who will all be killed...but do not fret...they'll all come back...more than once. Hey, this worked for the space-babe in "Space Mutiny" (Billy Second)!  Okay, the four set off into the woods and the army man turned monster hunts them.  One by one the commandos will be shredded and killed. This is where continuity problems are our friends. They all keep coming back. 

Matt is tough.  Sure, he'll get killed, too...but in this film, no one stays dead...just like the space-babe in "Space Mutiny," or Victoria Principal in "Dallas."  Now its personal, and Matt has a trusted machete.  The monster and Matt seem to have a date with destiny.  Wait!  The government is not Matt's friend.  As if it's any of our friends. Matt will grunt a lot.  Matt will die a lot.  Matt will prevail a lot.  A battle for humanity's survival will occur right outside Montreal and you can bet that Justin Trudeau is on the side of the evil government conspirators and the monster.

Will Matt survive the monster and the government?  Is this Screature-thing a metaphor for the Trudeau's government war on freedom and the real peeps who live in Canada?  Will the Canadian Parliament invite the Screature to address them and give it a standing ovation?  See "Screature of the Lagoon" and be glad you are not watching "Jupiter Ascending" or "The Last Airbender." 

 

Saturday, March 16, 2024

The Sleeping Room, A Prostitute, Ghosts, and a Possessed Boyfriend

Prostitutes. In films they can be such sympathetic figures.  Always hot. Always with a sad story. Always the losers of society's cruel lottery.  Today we look at a neat ghost/possession set in the seaside city of Brighton (the U.K.).  Of course our protagonist is a lovely and misunderstood call-girl.  This won't be a happy one.  Gritty, no humor, and dark...so if you like your horror movies like that, this one is for you.  So let us delve into a lurid tale that is 2014's "The Sleeping Room," directed by John Shackleton.

Blue (Leila Mimmack) is our call-girl protagonist. She has a past that is horrific.  Her mom used to be a call-girl at a brothel in Brighton called The Dells.  The mom was a whore when she went to see her parents, murdered them, and committed suicide.  This left Blue to be raised by foster parents.  Now Blue is amiss in life wondering who her mother really was and why she did what she did. One day, Blue is called to service a guy named Bill (Joseph Beattie) at the old brothel.  Bill is a contractor hired to fix the place up for sale.  Him and Blue will fall in love. Blue will also snoop around and find a lot of secrets in the house.  One secret leads to another secret and all of a sudden it appears that snuff films were filmed there and the gals who were butchered in them were never found.

Bill is quite taken with the mysterious Blue.  Blue is quite taken with him.  Uh oh...the evil guy who made the snuff films, Fiskin (Christopher Adamson) is still there.  Fiskin, is a ghost who possesses Bill. Blue finds antique reels and watches them.  They are brutal.  More ghosts will appear.  Blue's seedy existence will also come to wreak havoc on her.  A bloody ware will be fought at the old brothel.  Poor Blue, everyone and everything in her life seems attached to the horrific past of the old brother, and it and they all want her gutted.

Will Bill be able to fight the Fiskin ghost and help Blue prevail?  What secrets does the old place hold about Blue's homicidal mother?  Why did Blue's mother murder her parents and herself and is Blue condemned to repeat this horrific deed? Atmospheric and spooky, this film is also ominous and not the feel good film of 2014.  For a neat ghost/possession horror film, with a hot prostitute in much peril, see "The Sleeping Room."